And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away

ok I guess this isn't the only or most appropriate time I would quote these lyrics, but.

today probably falls under the category of the screwed up days of my life. you know those that bring you on an emotional roller coaster then dump you away when you're at the lowest point. and such that it's worse cos the drop is even greater if you started at a high point.

and that's besides the fact that today was almost a total waste of time, hanging out online and doing nothing useful. well depending on how you define useful.

I guess I was flung around, from happy to sleepy to hopeful to hungry to sian to amused to achieved to useless to disappointed to amused to useless to generally high to way low. btw there are actual events that mark each of that (though maybe the order is screwed) but I'm not gonna name them.

you know the time when I mentioned I hate being locked out? (if I did mention it) I realised that sometimes I wish I was. ignorance is bliss, how many times have I said that, but only when the situation is one way? if I turn it the other, I should have realised that I wouldn't see it the same way. I should edit that saying then: ignorance is bliss, once you know what you want to be ignorant of. which totally doesn't make sense. so happy living in this screwed up world where you either feel pissed and wish you weren't in the dark or bish yourself repeatedly and wish you were in the dark when you come across something you don't want to see/hear/know.

but I maintain my stand on this other thing I mentioned (actually I think I never really mentioned it). I wish everyone were two-dimensional. you know how much easier the world would be to live in if everyone was happily simple? no double meanings, no unexpected depth of emotion. no offence meant to anyone at all, but you know when you always thought someone was just so cute and innocent and suddenly they wham you with something you totally never expected to come from them. and I'm not just talking sickness or whatever here. ok I think I am quite flat (no wrong meaning intended) and naive. and ap and stupid and useless and a generally sucky person. anyway not the point.

but that leads back to the ignorance is bliss thing again. so what's easier, to believe that someone is as easy (I'm sorry, loss of words) as you think when they actually aren't, or to know and have the full force of them not being so? ok this post is actually totally missing the point I was gonna blog about.

no I seriously don't think I'm pissed with you. I'm just, confused I guess. and like a little kid, wishing for it all to just end happily ever after. there are times that I don't even think that it is possible for things not to end that way, so much so that if they don't I am totally caught off-guard.

ohyes another thing. I seriously don't understand the fuss people make of things sometimes. sorry that wasn't supposed to sound mean. I mean like, okay, it's not the end of the world, so get over it already. pick yourself up and continue with life as best as you can, whatever happened. and it's not even that big a thing. I mean yes, it's definitely a significant thing, but why not try to not see it in that way. things can go on as they did in all other aspects.

and also, yes I have been feeling your stress over the past weeks. it's following you around like this aura, showing in whatever else you do. and honestly, I'm really sorry for you and I wish I could help, but I don't think I'm like in any position to offer. not when I'm managing my own life so terribly anyway.

and I get why you feel that way cos you told me, but on the other hand I don't really get it. so just because _, you _? wait, no right. it's the whole thing right.

incidentally, I think I suffer from some social rejection/neglection problems. which contributes to the e in esfp I guess, and the fact that I probably wouldn't survive without friends, and that I am getting seriously dependent on a lot of people even if you don't know it. and the puppy dog syndrome, like I kind of feel a need to please everyone, so much so that it hurts when I know someone is pissed/disappointed with me. to a certain extent.

and I hate myself for being insensitive and selfish. there are many things which I do and realise too late that I shouldn't have done, and there are also the things which I know beforehand that I shouldn't do but do anyway for my own... pleasure? crap sorry I can't find the word for it. oh, sake. like this, for example. I sincerely hope that I'm not hurting anyone, but it always feels good to let things out.

and shit the irony. (it doesn't help that everytime I see this word now I'm gonna think of that, which will in turn probably bring along a string of painful reminders) I'm blogging something which might hurt people against people who blog things that hurt people. shut up, pearlyn.

conclusion: I hate myself. and various aspects of this world we live in.

but never forget the half-powered vacuum cleaner. I should be a famous quoterer. quotist. whatever.

and I still love you dears. I'm hoping the mutualism exists. (that word does not exist by the way)

as it happens, I'm not gonna bother colouring this post. it's like trying to give out pretty balloons as a last ditch attempt to salvage a ruined birthday party. not the best of analogies, I know, but it's better than my original "conceal a corpse with candy". you know what, I may just decide to stop colouring my posts altogether. save the eyes of people. nah, I will colour when I'm back and happy again. repeat: NAIVE.