____light my way________

no man is an is-land

Tuesday 7 April 2009 ;

13:46:00

okay I is back again. in school haha, since I'm prob not gonna be able to use comp at home. and whoo I actually wrote down the topics I was gonna mention so as not to fully succumb to my horrible memory once more.

hm this was not in my list, but strongly recent: results. arghhhhh. my sciences and math are doing okayish (not for long I bet :/) and my humans are going down the drain. hoyes not to mention chinese which never existed. all bare passes dammit.

anw, I've been quite actively blogging lately! cos it way beats mugging man. free block now, crap I know I'm supposed to be doing stuff like geog (due tmr I THINK) or tuition hw (due later HAHA) but wtv manzzzz.

ohoh I was quite annoyed with my mum that day cos she was agreeing with glosz method of "cannot play, quit". she was like that's the way it's supposed to be, if not how to maintain the standards? and I'm like wth just shuddup man you obviously don't get the passion but I do so don't give me that in my face.

and this week is quite packed! it was supposed to be quite awesome, but noooo, I've to be banned from at least some stuff. tmr we're going SCH for syf last day :D thurs is holy thurs mass, then lenten vigil (which is until like midnight but my mum is not against it while she is against the following point), batch sleepover on good friday (and my mum goes you've spent your last three years in band, it's enough, this year you should give it up and I'm like wtf it's this very year that I should treasure it most; and about this kinda stuff being not official band stuff y'know and all that. grahhhhh.), and some op smile thing on sat WHICH would be damn convenient to go from talia's place but ARGH I DON'T KNOW my mum says you can't go for everything, give up smth, but I don't know which and even if I did she's more like screaming don't go for batch sleepover whatever crap that is cos it won't help you grow into a better person or show on your records ARGH NEVERMIND I AM STRESSEDDDD.

ohya and whee I have a to-do list. not like all the hw and shit one, like more long term I guess haha.

1) prom shopping! we seriously have to get down to it soon. shall be elaborated later yay.

2) sort out iTunes. I'mma get more songs and rename my everything and find the respective albums and all.

3) ONE day, I will sit down and read all the letters I ever got for band events.

4) HAHA I shall not put this. it's embarrassing. (somewhat)

5) get a sax instructor and finally do abrsm someday! rawr.

6) finish reading through the bible again.

ehhh I think I thought of smth else but didn't write it so ohwell.

and HAHA a naughty to-do list! not like a okay I wanna do this kinda thing, but more like a lol I think I'm prob gonna do this someday thing.

1) ummm drink. and get drunk, though not a very good idea on the first time. and I hope I don't do stupid stuff haha. [ohhh we must make roxanne drunk and purge her secrets! xD]

2) swear. I seriously have never okay! 'cept that once singing some fort minor song, by ACCIDENT. haha not good, here I am while jerome's like being guai and not swearing. oops!

and haha there's an every girl's wishlist!

1) find someone. haha dunno don't you sometimes feel you just really want someone? I know it doesn't work that way, like oh I want someone, let's get someone, but waiting for the right person I guess haha. in my case doubly waiting, even if I find the right person I'd prob not do anything haha. anw, sometimes you really just want someone you can snuggle into and lean on and hug! haha but then there's like the fear of hm losing a friendship and like have to watch random stuff you say (like casually using dear haha :p) and all. ohoho taboo topic!

2) have a nice older brother! this was originally just older brother, but I realised not all fit the bill. :p yeah anw I really want a super nice caring gor haha. :D joanne you're damn lucky you know!

3) get a gay friend! xD haha I dunno how this came about, but it seems like everyone I know wants one lol. they're like a girlfriend to you, apparently, and can give awesome advice haha. and, quoting someone, you don't have to worry cos you know nothing will ever happen between yall haha.

ok now for ytd's wonderful escapades! :D went j.co for donuts with angie and roxanne. haha splurge no. 1! but woahmygosh oozy peanut butter and crunchy almonds are HEAVENLY. and I've never enjoyed a mango donut so much before haha. oh and (for rox and I al least la haha) oreo's always a staple in any half-dozen. :D anw, we lounged around the j.co lifestyle cushy chairs and talked and tried to worm scandals out lol. and read each other's phones and HAHA roxanne and angie deleted most of hers AWW and I delete all my msgs after replying but NO I don't have scandals anw so haha. :D oh then we walked around raffles city prom shopping haha! nah, one of those fake ones again. but angie is really super fashion advisor-y! haha we have a lot of faith in you angie, don't let us down! (: yes anwww, we seriously need to go get _ (before prom) and _ (at least before jc)! haha bugis street one day okay. :D group dateee! haha oh and my splurge no. 2 ytd was on earrings grahh. HAHA quote angie and her small and delicate! whoo, awesomeness. [insert heart! html screwups ftl D:]

ohh I think rs is gonna start soon. I cannot pon AGAIN :/ and I still have to format and colour haha (typing on notepad lol). so anw,

all the best to everyone having coming SYFs! (:

ohya and I think I shall add to rawrjumphug one day to my to-do list. :D

-light my way

revisited

Sunday 5 April 2009 ;

22:00:00

okay I just need to get a lot of stuff off my chest. (no, I repeat, NO weird imagery plskthx) besides the hw staring me in the face. damn, don't you just hate "life goes on" sometimes? I want to stay here and now (or want to have stayed at various stages in life) forever. but noooooo, here comes mugging. which I refuse to acknowledge. screwit, my rgssb life, it's goinggoinggone. and I totally agree with stuff julia said, rgssb has really been there all the while, smth to look forward to on a blah day (HAHA except some fridays in sec1 :p), comprised of people you see and smile at and love, the bandroom with all it's smellity (uh despite looking like it this is NOT smellyness), the batchcorrs last time when we spent more time in them, the ever-rmbed corr steps (on the other side) where we spent our happy times and our emo times. darn this is really like a farewell post alrd. but truly, okay maybe not to that kind of suicidal extent, but life HAS lost its meaning. and I see what jess means by loving rgssb till you feel like bursting at the seams (doesn't warrant swearing though my dear!) but haha I guess my extent is relatively not as much as hers now because my farewell emo-ing began and has being going on since quite a while ago alrd haha.

anw, syf '09 was really the climax of my, if not our, band lives. (okay sorry I finally got down to reading syf posts just now so if I end up koping a lot of statements, oops sorry! :/) the difference was humongous, and I think it's not just being a jnr then and top batch now, but everything combined I guess. though I really think that played a part, hiding behind versus playing out.

it's no one's fault but mine, of course, but I don't really rmb much from syf '07:
1) cringing at my C# at S, was it?
2) being blocked by gloria's sax I think, in the band photo
3) everyone crying, like crazy, at the gold
4) trying to cheer our directs up
5) some very fail batch dinner with like, four ppl
6) MO saying we played 80% of our usual standard

whereas stuff that stuck after this one:
1) the band pracs leading up to syf, particularly right from after exchange, they were wunderfulllll :D MO said a lot of quotable quotes too
2) unlike many others, my most woah wasn't on stage on the day itself (sadly D:) but like the bandprac on the day before and several other times, but I still did love it
3) THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME I COULD PLAY OUT WITHOUT BEING SIGNIFICANTLY NERVOUS. like of actual onstage stuff lah. in face even inunion I was shaking cos I saw them haha :p
4) MO smiled. he has this oh-so-wonderful smile y'know (like talia's! :D), that just totally makes you smile right along!
5) MO sayed he enjoyed it on stage. THIS MADE MY DAY. SERIOUSLY. though he said after listening to the recordings eh-heh-heh la, but still!
6) uhh the controversy stuff? I know it's a bad thing, but it played a big part in the experience, unfortunately.
7) crying, for a whole range of reasons man. I swear, it was damn confusing even on the crying end!
8) <- cute smiley :D anw. I nearly teared on the bandprac the day before, and I couldn't really say why either, but I guess it was subconcious, cos the next day it finally occurred that that was the last actual proper bandprac with rgssb with everyone working together towards a common goal as a band. I WILL MISS THAT FEELING. AND ALL ELSE COMING WITH RGSSB HAVING EVER ENTERED MY LIFE. or more like me entering its. and have I ever mentioned before how painful it is just to imagine never having done so?
9) okay completely random but this period I prob spent the most of my hp freetime everr, though it's not even a lot pls. haha on syf-related conversations! gosh I need to know more bandGIRLS. pam! :D
10) hoyes, and sg has an actually quite active bandlife! bandfusion and lifeless ppl who sit there clicking refresh every so often ftw :D peixin I still can't find your user!

anw. yes. I guess some of these will fade away as the years go by too, like that of the former did, but I am hopeful that when I reminisce about syf '09, I will rmb the warm lovey fuzzy feeling in part, if not in full. argh heartacheheartache, not pinpointable either. everything la, ILOVERGSSBSOFREAKINGMUCH, IAMGOINGTOMISSRGSSBALOTAWHOLEDAMNLOT. (haha it's alot more than results heartache okay :p though I don't think you can understand it till you actually exp it)

and (I hope it's not taken as um finding excuse or smth but) I really think this year seems to be very focused on technicalities. and I can see the basis in that, such as that to bring the music across it has to be perfect. but I really believe that if it reaches the audience, touches them, makes them feel what it tries to encapture and say, it has succeeded. as music, and not notes. ny band, though I didn't actually hear them, I can alrd feel it in my heart that they sounded wonderful (from what ppl say). and touching their snrs to the point of tears, and themselves crying on stage for a reason which somehow I can understand and fully feel even though it's not even applicable to me and I don't think has been before, that is truly the music and the passion in it.

sigh I wish I had a better flair for words, but I think even if I did, this entire feeling, it's not possible to weave into this plain written form. nor spoken, simply felt. don't you just wish every sweet feeling you've ever had, you can encapsulate it in a little sphere, everlasting and always there for you to open and let the whole wonderful tingly fuzzy feeling wash over you again and again, without ever running out? if everything I've ever felt for, about and related to rgssb was concentrated in a little ball, I bet it's so potent it could kill. there's just so much (and why is this sounding like a farewell post again), the highests and the lowests, the love and the hate of which the hate is for the very love (if you get me, in that sense, thinks rihanna), the pride but yet the disappointment of which was levelled by the pure strength of this satisfaction, the funnies mixed in with the seriouses, the togetherness (and in this case it is not countered with the individuality besides in the fact the rgssb/batch 09/slww is made up of a combination of very different ppl coming together with all their traits and making each exactly as it is and just how I want it to be. because, above all, we are A BAND. as one. "wan3" hahahaha.).

and I think I'm beginning to see the thing about not feeling disappointment actually. wait or is it regret? I'm confusing the two argh. yes but anw, in everything, whether it was good or bad, happy or sad (whee it rhymes), it all comes together, and the net feeling (HAHA gross/net) is still way positive, and I think nothing is the same without just the right balance of it all, so we should never wish that something had been different. that's why in all those random quizzes that ask, if you could change any part of/incident in your life, what would it be?, I would say nothing, absolutely nothing, because (butterfly effecttt) you never know how every little thing played a part in some other, and everything's great now (of course, nothing's perfect, but who cares, I'm happy), so I'm keeping every single thing, the ups and the downs, all with me because they all come together to just FORM me, ok I really don't know how to express it. and the feeling that each brings, be it bitter sweet or sour, they're still wonderful. OHRIGHT it's a national day song heh. whichwhichwhich reminds me of the two we edited to fit band/batch and it totally freaking fits I love it.

[ok totally not related but I don't really like how _ are sorta turned into _ sometimes. yeah. sorry.]

and thinking about rj band. hmm, I really don't know, I seriously think it's one of those (ok not that I can think of anything else that has applied in this way to me before) things that I go, dunno should I should I? and then end up joining anw, cos I sorta predict that. ok, first, like most ppl say, where else would you go? recreational smth lol. nope, it really doesn't give me the feeling of a fulfilling life, and I'll prob only join one if I'm really jaded and/or like I'm seriously too embarrassed by my standard to go into rjcsb (omg they changed it to rsb rightright argh D:) which I kind of alrd am but I think I'll grit my teeth and sacrifice that for the love I want to extend. yingjun's reason would be being unsatisfied with a silver, and wanting another go at it. jess', MO :D I guess the biggest of all for me is trying to find smth with the slightest resemblance to rgssb life, to prolong this beautiful feeing for a paltry two more years, before I have to face reality and finally move on. it's very different, and even more so for like an alumni band which I can predict ppl are going why don't you join one since you like it so much, but you've got to cling on to what you can get.

forever is relative, but I really want to stay in rgssb forever. and ever. doyouhaveanyideahowemptymylifeisgoingtobeeeeee. without rgssbeeeeee. (okay sorry couldn't resist haha) and mugging totally does not come under completing your life okay okay wtf.

and since this is alrd totally heading off into farewell direction, might as well.

morning comes around and I
can't wait to see my sunny batchcorr
in it's glorious pinkery
whether rain or shine it's still beautiful

bright lights shine in the school at night
guiding me closer to home
to a place where I'll be safe and warm
where I belong

section- and batchmates by my side (interestingly, friends and family works too :D)
seeing me through as I grow and learn
everyday's experience
bitter, sweet or sour, they're still wonderful

as they become precious memories
they'll be kept close to my heart
and wherever I may be, I will always know
where I belong

where I belong
where I keep my heart and soul
where dreams come true for us
where we walk together hand in hand
towards a future so bright

where I belong
where I keep my heart and soul
where we are one big family
I want the whole world to know
I wanna shout it out loud
that I really love rgssb! (who could've predicted, it rhymes with family somemore!)

I want the whole world to know
I wanna shout it out loud
that this is where I know I belong

and this is where I want to be. and stay. love forever!

-light my way

swells up and bursts

Thursday 2 April 2009 ;

21:54:00

due to a lack of post-locking functions on blogger, I will spend my time trying to ensure no ouchness. okay sorry I had no idea how to phrase that.

okay so heregoes. syf '09. it was indeed quite unexpected, I guess, but I believe part of the toilet paper spammed was not just spent on that of sadness at the results. yes, they do matter, and yes, I am not overjoyed with a silver (though jess has a point), but I do honestly still feel that enjoying the journey played a huge part. it is sad that enjoyment seems to be interpreted as slacking, but I am inclined to believe that in enjoyment, we speak of pushing ourselves to work harder, seeing ourselves improve, bringing the ks chee down, killing our fingers/arms/lips, seeing MO smile. because that, in the journey, shone.

okay I was/am seriously in emotional turmoil. there're so many reasons attached to each tear. first, of, course, the straightforward devastation. the streak we broke, the reputation, the consequences. it kills us, to have let down so many people, especially them. then was the passion (which I hope we're allowed to say we have), at everything. whatever it cost, if it did, the journey was incredible. how heartbreaking if it has to be one or the other. then they came, and it hurts, it really does, cos you kinda can see what is felt. and then (and now), confusion, which WOULD have been better? plus we were super touched by various stuff I guess. and it also hit me again, like what jess was saying on the bus back, it was our last major event with rgssb, will we ever get to feel all those again? okay rather extreme, but life really does seem pointless now. to hell with mugging. (at this point in time.)

ahh there was seriously a lot of stuff I wanted to ~~say~~ record down somewhere, but I just can't collect my thoughts now. and balance is like the concept our entire lives/world is based on, don't you think? I've also been trying to picture various what if's, but I can't safely make any conclusions for any. okay I am being exceptionally incoherent. it's been a long time (if it isn't the first) since I've been so low yet so high (not as in :D :D :D but as in ♥). I'm scared that it will drop even more, but at the same time I don't want to and I don't think we can completely go back. as in to before, friend, not up, because that I believe we can. (:

I guess this has also been a scary experience in many ways. you see people saying things, and then you wonder how much of it they actually mean, and when it's put to the test, well. and hypocrisy is a dangerous thing. though I'm guilty of the very same sometimes. and seriously, don't take things for granted.

but really, beyond all, it was truly a learning experience. analytically, musically, emotionally, (painfully). and I love rgssb. please don't be pissed at me or anything, but I really do. it's painful to think that it could be thought that we don't care, even imagining not caring about rgssb hurts like crap. (it's literally making me grimace and sending chills down my spine now.) okay maybe it's the wrong way, maybe everything's all wrong. but it doesn't stop me from loving rgssb.

and MO was happy, and that is huge in the little that really, truly matters.

I honestly wish to trust that we shook SCH and walked off the stage with pride.

[and now jess I need you to read that and tear it apart because you are able to slam down my arguements as soon as I make them and show me the flaws in my thinking, and you are awesome that way. but I think you would mostly agree, because honestly, much of that was influenced by you anyway.]

-light my way