____light my way________

revisited

Sunday, 5 April 2009 ;

22:00:00

okay I just need to get a lot of stuff off my chest. (no, I repeat, NO weird imagery plskthx) besides the hw staring me in the face. damn, don't you just hate "life goes on" sometimes? I want to stay here and now (or want to have stayed at various stages in life) forever. but noooooo, here comes mugging. which I refuse to acknowledge. screwit, my rgssb life, it's goinggoinggone. and I totally agree with stuff julia said, rgssb has really been there all the while, smth to look forward to on a blah day (HAHA except some fridays in sec1 :p), comprised of people you see and smile at and love, the bandroom with all it's smellity (uh despite looking like it this is NOT smellyness), the batchcorrs last time when we spent more time in them, the ever-rmbed corr steps (on the other side) where we spent our happy times and our emo times. darn this is really like a farewell post alrd. but truly, okay maybe not to that kind of suicidal extent, but life HAS lost its meaning. and I see what jess means by loving rgssb till you feel like bursting at the seams (doesn't warrant swearing though my dear!) but haha I guess my extent is relatively not as much as hers now because my farewell emo-ing began and has being going on since quite a while ago alrd haha.

anw, syf '09 was really the climax of my, if not our, band lives. (okay sorry I finally got down to reading syf posts just now so if I end up koping a lot of statements, oops sorry! :/) the difference was humongous, and I think it's not just being a jnr then and top batch now, but everything combined I guess. though I really think that played a part, hiding behind versus playing out.

it's no one's fault but mine, of course, but I don't really rmb much from syf '07:
1) cringing at my C# at S, was it?
2) being blocked by gloria's sax I think, in the band photo
3) everyone crying, like crazy, at the gold
4) trying to cheer our directs up
5) some very fail batch dinner with like, four ppl
6) MO saying we played 80% of our usual standard

whereas stuff that stuck after this one:
1) the band pracs leading up to syf, particularly right from after exchange, they were wunderfulllll :D MO said a lot of quotable quotes too
2) unlike many others, my most woah wasn't on stage on the day itself (sadly D:) but like the bandprac on the day before and several other times, but I still did love it
3) THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME I COULD PLAY OUT WITHOUT BEING SIGNIFICANTLY NERVOUS. like of actual onstage stuff lah. in face even inunion I was shaking cos I saw them haha :p
4) MO smiled. he has this oh-so-wonderful smile y'know (like talia's! :D), that just totally makes you smile right along!
5) MO sayed he enjoyed it on stage. THIS MADE MY DAY. SERIOUSLY. though he said after listening to the recordings eh-heh-heh la, but still!
6) uhh the controversy stuff? I know it's a bad thing, but it played a big part in the experience, unfortunately.
7) crying, for a whole range of reasons man. I swear, it was damn confusing even on the crying end!
8) <- cute smiley :D anw. I nearly teared on the bandprac the day before, and I couldn't really say why either, but I guess it was subconcious, cos the next day it finally occurred that that was the last actual proper bandprac with rgssb with everyone working together towards a common goal as a band. I WILL MISS THAT FEELING. AND ALL ELSE COMING WITH RGSSB HAVING EVER ENTERED MY LIFE. or more like me entering its. and have I ever mentioned before how painful it is just to imagine never having done so?
9) okay completely random but this period I prob spent the most of my hp freetime everr, though it's not even a lot pls. haha on syf-related conversations! gosh I need to know more bandGIRLS. pam! :D
10) hoyes, and sg has an actually quite active bandlife! bandfusion and lifeless ppl who sit there clicking refresh every so often ftw :D peixin I still can't find your user!

anw. yes. I guess some of these will fade away as the years go by too, like that of the former did, but I am hopeful that when I reminisce about syf '09, I will rmb the warm lovey fuzzy feeling in part, if not in full. argh heartacheheartache, not pinpointable either. everything la, ILOVERGSSBSOFREAKINGMUCH, IAMGOINGTOMISSRGSSBALOTAWHOLEDAMNLOT. (haha it's alot more than results heartache okay :p though I don't think you can understand it till you actually exp it)

and (I hope it's not taken as um finding excuse or smth but) I really think this year seems to be very focused on technicalities. and I can see the basis in that, such as that to bring the music across it has to be perfect. but I really believe that if it reaches the audience, touches them, makes them feel what it tries to encapture and say, it has succeeded. as music, and not notes. ny band, though I didn't actually hear them, I can alrd feel it in my heart that they sounded wonderful (from what ppl say). and touching their snrs to the point of tears, and themselves crying on stage for a reason which somehow I can understand and fully feel even though it's not even applicable to me and I don't think has been before, that is truly the music and the passion in it.

sigh I wish I had a better flair for words, but I think even if I did, this entire feeling, it's not possible to weave into this plain written form. nor spoken, simply felt. don't you just wish every sweet feeling you've ever had, you can encapsulate it in a little sphere, everlasting and always there for you to open and let the whole wonderful tingly fuzzy feeling wash over you again and again, without ever running out? if everything I've ever felt for, about and related to rgssb was concentrated in a little ball, I bet it's so potent it could kill. there's just so much (and why is this sounding like a farewell post again), the highests and the lowests, the love and the hate of which the hate is for the very love (if you get me, in that sense, thinks rihanna), the pride but yet the disappointment of which was levelled by the pure strength of this satisfaction, the funnies mixed in with the seriouses, the togetherness (and in this case it is not countered with the individuality besides in the fact the rgssb/batch 09/slww is made up of a combination of very different ppl coming together with all their traits and making each exactly as it is and just how I want it to be. because, above all, we are A BAND. as one. "wan3" hahahaha.).

and I think I'm beginning to see the thing about not feeling disappointment actually. wait or is it regret? I'm confusing the two argh. yes but anw, in everything, whether it was good or bad, happy or sad (whee it rhymes), it all comes together, and the net feeling (HAHA gross/net) is still way positive, and I think nothing is the same without just the right balance of it all, so we should never wish that something had been different. that's why in all those random quizzes that ask, if you could change any part of/incident in your life, what would it be?, I would say nothing, absolutely nothing, because (butterfly effecttt) you never know how every little thing played a part in some other, and everything's great now (of course, nothing's perfect, but who cares, I'm happy), so I'm keeping every single thing, the ups and the downs, all with me because they all come together to just FORM me, ok I really don't know how to express it. and the feeling that each brings, be it bitter sweet or sour, they're still wonderful. OHRIGHT it's a national day song heh. whichwhichwhich reminds me of the two we edited to fit band/batch and it totally freaking fits I love it.

[ok totally not related but I don't really like how _ are sorta turned into _ sometimes. yeah. sorry.]

and thinking about rj band. hmm, I really don't know, I seriously think it's one of those (ok not that I can think of anything else that has applied in this way to me before) things that I go, dunno should I should I? and then end up joining anw, cos I sorta predict that. ok, first, like most ppl say, where else would you go? recreational smth lol. nope, it really doesn't give me the feeling of a fulfilling life, and I'll prob only join one if I'm really jaded and/or like I'm seriously too embarrassed by my standard to go into rjcsb (omg they changed it to rsb rightright argh D:) which I kind of alrd am but I think I'll grit my teeth and sacrifice that for the love I want to extend. yingjun's reason would be being unsatisfied with a silver, and wanting another go at it. jess', MO :D I guess the biggest of all for me is trying to find smth with the slightest resemblance to rgssb life, to prolong this beautiful feeing for a paltry two more years, before I have to face reality and finally move on. it's very different, and even more so for like an alumni band which I can predict ppl are going why don't you join one since you like it so much, but you've got to cling on to what you can get.

forever is relative, but I really want to stay in rgssb forever. and ever. doyouhaveanyideahowemptymylifeisgoingtobeeeeee. without rgssbeeeeee. (okay sorry couldn't resist haha) and mugging totally does not come under completing your life okay okay wtf.

and since this is alrd totally heading off into farewell direction, might as well.

morning comes around and I
can't wait to see my sunny batchcorr
in it's glorious pinkery
whether rain or shine it's still beautiful

bright lights shine in the school at night
guiding me closer to home
to a place where I'll be safe and warm
where I belong

section- and batchmates by my side (interestingly, friends and family works too :D)
seeing me through as I grow and learn
everyday's experience
bitter, sweet or sour, they're still wonderful

as they become precious memories
they'll be kept close to my heart
and wherever I may be, I will always know
where I belong

where I belong
where I keep my heart and soul
where dreams come true for us
where we walk together hand in hand
towards a future so bright

where I belong
where I keep my heart and soul
where we are one big family
I want the whole world to know
I wanna shout it out loud
that I really love rgssb! (who could've predicted, it rhymes with family somemore!)

I want the whole world to know
I wanna shout it out loud
that this is where I know I belong

and this is where I want to be. and stay. love forever!

-light my way