____light my way________

swells up and bursts

Thursday, 2 April 2009 ;

21:54:00

due to a lack of post-locking functions on blogger, I will spend my time trying to ensure no ouchness. okay sorry I had no idea how to phrase that.

okay so heregoes. syf '09. it was indeed quite unexpected, I guess, but I believe part of the toilet paper spammed was not just spent on that of sadness at the results. yes, they do matter, and yes, I am not overjoyed with a silver (though jess has a point), but I do honestly still feel that enjoying the journey played a huge part. it is sad that enjoyment seems to be interpreted as slacking, but I am inclined to believe that in enjoyment, we speak of pushing ourselves to work harder, seeing ourselves improve, bringing the ks chee down, killing our fingers/arms/lips, seeing MO smile. because that, in the journey, shone.

okay I was/am seriously in emotional turmoil. there're so many reasons attached to each tear. first, of, course, the straightforward devastation. the streak we broke, the reputation, the consequences. it kills us, to have let down so many people, especially them. then was the passion (which I hope we're allowed to say we have), at everything. whatever it cost, if it did, the journey was incredible. how heartbreaking if it has to be one or the other. then they came, and it hurts, it really does, cos you kinda can see what is felt. and then (and now), confusion, which WOULD have been better? plus we were super touched by various stuff I guess. and it also hit me again, like what jess was saying on the bus back, it was our last major event with rgssb, will we ever get to feel all those again? okay rather extreme, but life really does seem pointless now. to hell with mugging. (at this point in time.)

ahh there was seriously a lot of stuff I wanted to ~~say~~ record down somewhere, but I just can't collect my thoughts now. and balance is like the concept our entire lives/world is based on, don't you think? I've also been trying to picture various what if's, but I can't safely make any conclusions for any. okay I am being exceptionally incoherent. it's been a long time (if it isn't the first) since I've been so low yet so high (not as in :D :D :D but as in ♥). I'm scared that it will drop even more, but at the same time I don't want to and I don't think we can completely go back. as in to before, friend, not up, because that I believe we can. (:

I guess this has also been a scary experience in many ways. you see people saying things, and then you wonder how much of it they actually mean, and when it's put to the test, well. and hypocrisy is a dangerous thing. though I'm guilty of the very same sometimes. and seriously, don't take things for granted.

but really, beyond all, it was truly a learning experience. analytically, musically, emotionally, (painfully). and I love rgssb. please don't be pissed at me or anything, but I really do. it's painful to think that it could be thought that we don't care, even imagining not caring about rgssb hurts like crap. (it's literally making me grimace and sending chills down my spine now.) okay maybe it's the wrong way, maybe everything's all wrong. but it doesn't stop me from loving rgssb.

and MO was happy, and that is huge in the little that really, truly matters.

I honestly wish to trust that we shook SCH and walked off the stage with pride.

[and now jess I need you to read that and tear it apart because you are able to slam down my arguements as soon as I make them and show me the flaws in my thinking, and you are awesome that way. but I think you would mostly agree, because honestly, much of that was influenced by you anyway.]

-light my way